I Even Have Anxieties About Facebook

While I love blogging, I've been going online a bit and feeling at loose ends - nothing to blog and I'm not really wanting to read. Maybe I need a real hobby.... So, in a moment of weakness, I joined Facebook. My friend, Alexa, has encouraged me to join but I always put it off - really, how much time do I need to spend online? Can I just say that Facebook is absolutely overwhelming? I thought it was cool to see all these people from high school, college or just friends that I haven't seen in awhile. But I like to be invisible for awhile, to dip my toe in the water before jumping in. Facebook doesn't let you do that (not that I could see) and by the time church was over, I had all these invites from people who wanted to know how I was. It was flattering - maybe they really liked me! And also scary and kind of like the reunion - after I say hello and tell them the highlights of my life, what else are we going to say? Do I hand out my blog address? So. many. questions!

Part of this is exacerbated by my issue of never really believe that people like me; I'm always internally questioning my friends: Do they really care? Are they just being nice? What if I dropped off the face of the planet, would they notice? I love and totally understand Sally Field's acceptance speech of her first Oscar, "You like me! You really like me!" My problem is that I would need to win another Oscar soon, like, oh, the next week, in order to keep that feeling going.

There are a few relationships in which I feel utterly secure and have no doubts (generally), my marriage being one. (I do, however, still keep him up nights, every so often, with the whole, "Do you love me? Why? Would you marry me again? What do you like best about me besides my enormous breasts?" He just loves it! I can't stop because he would miss it! Ha!) But, for the most part, I am a horribly insecure person. So when I first saw this huge list of names of people I actually did know, I thought, "Oooh, hey! It's so and so! I must talk to them! Wait....what if they don't want to talk to me." And then I stopped. So getting all those invites has been nice, affirming in a way, maybe people really do like me. But at the same time I hesitate, "Why?" I want to ask. Don't you find me obnoxious? Don't all these neuroses kind of get to you after a while and you start to think, "Could she talk about something other than herself?" I guess part of me likes the mystique of every one thinking that just maybe I'm doing something amazing and have miraculously become the most fabulous person they know. Once they find out that I'm still plain, neorotic Maraiya, though, hmmm....will they be wishing they had not decided to "add a friend?"

Neuroses

Do you ever have days when you just want to curl up in bed? But you force yourself to participate anyway? And then you wonder, as you sit and type on your self-indulgent blog at home, if anyone even cares? I mean, people love you but do you ever think that they love you because God gifted them with love for you and so they tolerate you but really they're hoping you'll find a new set of friends? Soon? Then you leave comments with random people on the internet, hoping to sound friendly and smart and you're afraid you just sound like a big dweeb and people are hoping you'll find a new blog to stalk? And that when you try and comment on important things, theodicy and such, that people think you're an idiot with your head up your ass and wonder why you bother contributing on such topics when clearly you could contribute better to society by baking chocolate chip cookies? And then you start to hover over the "delete this whole damn blog" button but then think that would be too dramatic so you try to think of a way to just fade from the blogging scene? And then you just sigh to yourself and suck it up and realize that you started all this to keep in touch with loved ones (who really do love you) and then to stick your neck out just a bit, to exercise that brain so that maybe some day you'll stop sounding like such an idiot and to be brave and risk mistakes hoping that eventually you start getting better and make less mistakes? And that you should just go to bed because the real problem is lack of sleep because you stayed up way too late (midnight) the night before playing Build-a-Lot at a friends house?

No? You never have days like that?

Good, 'cuz I don't either.

Nope.

Not me.

Perfectly sane on this end.

Just ask my therapist.