What is marriage?

I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I'm beginning to wonder if there is a ten-year itch or curse or something. I have one friend who is in the middle of separation/divorce/reconciliation, another friend who divorced her husband at ten years and Robert and I have been sticky of late. A few weeks ago, right before our anniversary, we had a few days when he was utterly polite and completely remote. In all our marriage, through rough and loud fights and someone leaving for space, I have never been so scared that he would call it quits.

Last night and today it is I who am being utterly polite and remote. I just don't know what to do or what is my place. While what we have has worked fairly well over the last ten years, I am feeling a shift in needs and wants and desires; I am feeling a complete shift in the workings in our marriage and I'm not sure how to be in this new place. I know that losing my mom and my subsequent grief has been a big strain. Robert has been supportive and so, so, so patient but it has tried his very limits. Additionally, Robert's church calling as scoutmaster and work and mechanic classes and other activities have added up to me spending a lot of time as a single parent, which has been a big strain on me. I have struggled to be patient and my limits too have been tried.

So where are we and what does it mean to be married, to be together for life and eternity? How do we partner to compliment each other, to support each other? How does he lead as the head of our family and marriage and how do I follow? I have been feeling of late that my role needs to be more submissive that I have been. In the past I have fought for every little thing and had a great, overwhelming need to be right to the point of disregarding his input at times. I'm afraid to give in or compromise in some areas as I feel that once I do, he will rush over me and I will lose that which is important to me; that I will lose myself.

So my feelings are mixed. I want my marriage to be better and I feel this transition can go either way, but I am scared to death at the thought of submission. I fear so much that I will lose this person I am of whom I have such a fragile understanding. I fear I will become a Stepford wife or some other automaton or image of what Robert may think he wants but in reality, not something that is viable for myself or for our marriage.

Then too, I worry that my fears are overrated as I have many of the same struggles in my relationship with God. I want so much the grace He provides. I want so much to be a better servant and disciple. I want so much to be delivered from my sins and inadequacies but I hesitate at real submission. Whosoever shall lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. Do I trust that? Do I trust God? Do I trust the man I know my husband to be and that he will not abuse his leadership position?

I don't know.


I have found that in marriage, like anything else, the more I learn, the less I know.