Why I Love Comments and Other Sundries

Well, my children loved the ubbi dubbi post but I think they stand alone in that. And I think, in light of the comments I have been getting (Thank you Laura - I can't wait for you to move back this summer!), that even though my audience is small (really, how big do I want it to be?), they are all important people and I should stop denigrating them by saying "no one's reading." So, I think you are all fabulous and important people in my life. That said, I did want to add that I love, Love, LOVE comments, no matter how seemingly inane, because they let me know that you are reading and they are like little cyberhugs and love notes. Thank you for leaving comments and leave more!

Also, simply because I've wanted to say this but haven't known how to work it in (I've found that sometimes I've just got to blurt things out and then just deal with the awkwardness/silence/sudden-realization-that-I should-have-kept-my-mouth-shut after the fact instead of worrying about it), my profile says that I live in Azerbaijan (had to check for correct spelling) because I just love the way the word rolls of my tongue. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Say that 10 times fast. Much prettier than Orygun. Woo. Hoo. Azerbaijan. Yea! Feel the difference? My mouth does. Also, I find it romantic to think of living and lying on a the shores of the Caspian Sea (too much CS Lewis perhaps). *sigh* Someday I hope to be a little less of a romantic but until then...Azerbaijan. Clearly, though,I don't live there. I think I might be exiled if I did for my aforementioned just blurting things out even when maybe, or decidedly, I shouldn't. God knew what He was doing when He sent me to a free country in a time when women had more liberties than ever before. Also, back on the Azerbaijan thing, my husband is absolutely paranoid about me having a blog. He had to think and consider for a while before he would let me keep it. (It's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.) There were a few days when I thought I would have to delete it but he's been a good sport - even about the redneck posting. (Speaking of which, the camper almost, almost, got moved on Sunday but the weather has been precarious all week - hail, snow, ice, rain, sun - and our friend backed out at the last minute. *sigh*)

Also, my job tends to reflect however I'm feeling about being a SAHM. Initially I posted that I was in accounting, in deference to my actual paying job for my dad, but I realized that that job doesn't really consume that much of my time, talents or mind so I changed the description. First I was into security as that is how I felt while watching Lulu and Jeremiah together. Jeremiah is known for his adventurous personality and my darling daughter is never one to turn down an opportunity that looks like too much fun. I stopped watching Jeremiah in early February and Lulu, being bored, now hangs out with me a lot. Net result, less free time for me, but less wall murals and broken blinds.

Currently, in my attempts to be optimistic (although Julie agreed with me in my assessment that sarcastic optimism is really pessimism so clearly, I'm not quite there. Yet. Hope springs eternal.) I have changed my industry to Human Resources as I am creating the best of humans to be a future resource to the world - God willing. That's my spin anyway.

As to any further information on my user profile, I go through spurts of bravery (when all sorts of information can be found) to waves of cowardice and shyness when nothing can be found (current state). Oh well, keep 'em guessing I always say. That's my spin anyway.

As to anything real. I'm doing okay. These happy pills, as I've taken to calling them, are interesting. There's no doubt in my mind that they are helping tremendously but it's hard to know if it's too much or not enough or just right. There are the pesky side effects (nausea, somnolence, anorgasmia - really don't like that one!). There is the fact that all of this is subjective and not able to be established in cold, hard facts. How I long for a blood test that would say: "Yep, your happiness level is below normal, we'll just help that along with some medication....Oh say now, you've improved! But, it's still a bit below normal, we'll add more meds....Oh, sorry, apparently that was a bit much, so we'll need to cut back." This is not as cut and dried as cholesterol but is just as life affecting.

Other than that, life is a normal routine of school (SPRING BREAK IS OVER -- EVERYONE CHEER!!! :) ), dishes, preparing meals, laundry, cleaning, Parent Club (crikey, I'll still have to type the minutes from the meeting on the 12th!), Cub Scouts (Pinewood Derby on Friday) and church. There was a visit to the Castle with my bff Liz (thanks for your STERLING comment! - although you failed to mention a miracle I could accomplish in the next year) on Saturday to help with the aforementioned happy pill side effect. The visit was illuminating - did you know that they make inflatable sheep that baa?! Far be it from to comment on someone else's, er, "nocturnal entertainments," but that was a bit much for me. (So, no, I didn't bring one home for us.) But that visit aside, life is what it is. Just living, enduring, is worth so much.

Subupuber Ububbubi Dububbubi Wubomuban

UbI wubas thubinkubing ubabubout wrubitubing uba pubost ubin pubig lubatubin bubut ubI thubink thubat ububbubi dububbubi ubis lubess cubommubon thuben pubig lubatubin. Subince nubo ubone ubis rubeadubing ubanubywubay, ubI thubought thubis wubould bube fubun. Bubut uball ubI rubealluby hubave tubo subay ubis: "UbI thubink muby hubappuby pubills ubare wuborkubing!"

*For translation, copy text, click here, paste text and click "Translate FROM Ubbi Dubbi".
**For bonus points, post your comments in ubbi dubbi!

Because I Can and No One Is Reading Anyway!

And because figuring out interim financials sucks. The big one.:

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? a car seat, bags of clothes and stuffed animals to go to Goodwill. I put them there in January....they're still there probably mildewing as my children have discovered that the hatch door is leaking

2. When was the last time you threw up? February 21 -- Thanks Lexapro!

3. What's your favorite word or phrase? Rascals! (Trying not to swear or even say "Darn it!" because the kids pick up new phrases oh so quickly!)

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Robert, Terry Fator, Lefobserver (wins the prize - thanks for stopping to say, "Hello!")

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Lying in my toasty bed, in my chilly house (63F), reading a medieval romance novel.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Working on 2007 interim financial statements for my Dad's shop

7. What is your favorite holiday? My birthday. (I'd say birthdays period but my children's birthdays just mean a lot of extra work for me!) But Easter means the most to me.

8. Where did you go yesterday? I stayed at my in-laws for most the day (we were house sitting), we came home around 4:30pm and then I took Quinn to Tae Kwon Do.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud? Mmm-hmm. Sure. (Response to Quinn wanting to watch ANOTHER movie so that I can get work done.)

10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Currently liking Vanilla Bean -- topped with hot fudge and undergirded by a brownie of course!

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Guava nectar

12. What are you wearing? black comfort pants (a step up from sweat pants but there is still no zipper), yellow shirt with red and blue flower print, red fuzzy cardigan, no shoes

13. What is the last thing you ate? dark chocolate m&m's

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? What?! Are you nuts? I haven't bought new clothing (excluding shoes) in a few years!

15. When was the last time you ran? mmmm....I did briefly jog (read, maybe two blocks but more likely less than one)...a few days ago. If that counts.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Some ballroom dancing competition on PBS.

17. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Venice, Paris, Scotland. Europe just sounds oh so fabulous!

18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace? I don't have a myspace account ergo I can't send any comments. I'll survive somehow. Sniff. Sniff.

19. Ever go camping? I've camped occasionally. I really enjoyed it as a teenager at Girls' Camp but I've tried to avoid it as a mother of three young children. Unfortunately, my children adore it. Fortunately, they're getting better about fending for themselves. Soon, perhaps, I will enjoy camping again.

20. Do you have a tan? Nope - I don't fake and bake but I'm looking forward to getting a good "glow" from playing outside this summer.

21. Have you ever lost anything down a toilet? Just the stuff that should be lost down a toilet. My son lost a toothbrush while spending the night at someone else's house though. Good times. :)

23. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot? Yes. I know they can be a wee bit saccharin but how else do you convey cheerful tone, particularly in a jest?

24. Do you drink your pop from a straw? If it's in a cup, yes. I like straws very much. I just don't drink much soda.

25. What did your last text message say? Texting? What's that? idk. I suppose I'd have to have a cell phone to do any of that.

27. What are you doing tomorrow? Picking up Robert's prescription, hopefully more reading, laundry for sure and maybe Wildlife Safari with the kids, if the weather clears up a bit.

28. Where is your mom right now? In a brass urn made from a big casing from the Vietnam War with a lovely inscription with her name, DOB and DOD and "Eternally Wife and Mother," sitting somewhere in my Dad's shop. I think. (About the urn placement not the fact that my mother is there -- then again, how much do we really know/trust these mortuary guys?! Not like we're ever going to test the ashes to make sure they're my mom and not last year's firewood!)

29. Look to your left, what do you see? My white stove, my kitchen aid, wood kitchen cupboards that badly need to be cleaned, a water bottle,a toaster, a plant that I can't quite convince to live, salt, my last brownie, a container full of kitchen implements (spatula, wooden spoons and the like), ceramic tomato and pepper serving dishes, Windex (the cheap, knock-off kind), my pink water bottle, one last brown banana, the kitchen sink and Dawn.

30. What color is your watch? What watch? I'm a SAHM. The kids running in the door from school is clock enough.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia? The Sydney Opera House, Nemo, Outback (the place not the restaurant), Fosters Beer (ironic since I don't drink) and Crocodile Dundee -- G'day Mate!

32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Nope. And I fear it is too late for me with all my motion sickness; I'd probably vomit before I even got off the ride. So much fun for my friends! :) (Again with the smiley faces!)

33. What's your zodiac sign? Leo, the Lion. (The Rabbit if we're talking Chinese.)

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? SO GO TO THE DRIVE THRU!! I signed up for a new pharmacy because it has a drive thru. With kids, DRIVE THRUS ROCK!!!

35. Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate? Again with the lack of an account, can't see other people's sites, not really interested, blah, blah, blah.

36. Do you have a dog? Yupperdo. A black lab. How prosaic.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone? Mike Ostman from Textron Financial (I really should be getting back to those interim financials....)

38. Have you met anyone famous? Define met. Actually talked to? No one. (Other than myself. World famous in my own mind, dontcha know.) But I was able to go to Bush Sr.'s inauguration and saw quite a few famous folk (Maria Shriver and Hubby - I can't spell his last name; Chuck Norris; Stephanie Kramer.)

39. Any plans today? Heating my house to above 65 degrees at some point, washing laundry so I will have clean underpants, finishing my shop work, making dinner, oh and finishing that medieval romance.

41. Ever go to college? Yes. Still not sure if it was a good idea (friendships made not included in that statement)

42. Where are you right now? At my desk at home.

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? The word "Mom." Seriously, do my children really need to utter that word 20 times in one minute?! No hyperbole in that statement.

44. Last song listened to? "Happy Working Song" on Enchanted

45. Last movie you saw? Without a Paddle. Laughed like crazy. I think it's a good memory for me. The first time I saw it was the summer my mom was dying and comic relief was greatly needed.

46. Allergic to anything? Yes but I'm not entirely certain what. I'm allergic to chamisa in New Mexico and I strongly suspect tree pollens but again, never actually tested.

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? The ones God gave me.

48.Are you jealous of anyone? I get jealous when I feel left out or feel that someone is better liked than me. Trying to conquer this but, in all honesty, there it is.

49. Are you married? Yepperam!

50. Is anyone jealous of you? I doubt it. I mean, why?!

51. What time is it? 2:21pm, PDT.

52. Do any of your friends have children? Yeppemdo! Most of them anyway.

53. Do you eat healthy? I don't think I know a word in the English language that would imply no in emphatic enough terms, so I'll keep it simple: NO!

55. Do you hate anyone right now? No. I've put it in a bubble and blown it away. Some people scare me though and I'm trying to learn courage in light of that.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Yes. I say "hello" on the phone, when greeting family and friends. I use "Hi" a lot too but "hello" is very useful. Would like to use "salutations" more but it seems a bit high handed.

57. How many kids do you want when your older? Three, hopefully. God forbid any of them should perish and Rob's fairly adamant that there will be no more little ones in our house.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 33 (year of miracles)

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags? No.

60. How did u get your last scar? My cat, the vicious little bugger.

PS: If you are reading, comment. Comments make me soo happy. I could actually add your name as the third person to make me smile today! :)

Happy Easter!

This was sent to me as a forward but I had never heard it before and it touched my heart. I hope today's celebration is wonderful for each of you and your families and I pray that your children and mine learn that there is far more to Easter than bunnies and eggs.

There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending Seminary in Utah . In this Seminary classes are held during school hours. Brother Christianson taught Seminary at this particular school. He had an open-door policy and would take in any student that had been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules. Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's Seminary class.

Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just seconds before the bell rang and he would sit in the very back of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the class was over.

One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. After class, Bro. Christianson pulled Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't you?"

Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."

Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many push-ups can you do?"

Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."

"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother Christianson said. "Do you think you could do 300?"

Steve replied, "I don't know...I've never done 300 at a time."

"Do you think you could?" Again asked Brother Christianson.

"Well, I can try," said Steve.

"Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it," Brother Christianson said.

Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it."

Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on Friday."

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of doughnuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of doughnuts, they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls. Everyone was pretty excited-it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend.

Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked, "Cynthia, do you want a doughnut?"

Cynthia said, "Yes."

Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a doughnut?"

Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Bro. Christianson put a doughnut on Cynthia's desk.

Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe do you want a doughnut?"

Joe said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a doughnut?"

Steve did ten push-ups; Joe got a doughnut.

And so it went, down the first aisle. Steve did ten pushups for every person before they got their doughnut. And down the second aisle, till Bro. Christianson came to Scott.

Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. Then Bro. Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a doughnut?"

Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"

Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."

Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."

Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a doughnut he doesn't want?"

Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, "HEY! I said I didn't want one!"

Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and my doughnuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it." And he put a doughnut on Scott's desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. Bro. Christianson started down the third row. The students were beginning to get a little angry.

Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a doughnut?"

Jenny said, "No."

Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a doughnut that she doesn't want?" Steve did ten; Jenny got a doughnut.

By now, the students were beginning to say "No," and there were all these uneaten doughnuts on the desks. Steve was also having to really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for each doughnut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved.

Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert began to watch Steve closely. Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.

During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro. Christianson realized this, he did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.

Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?"

Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well, they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want." And Bro. Christianson went on.

A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay out!"

Jason didn't know what was going on. Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."

Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him."

Steve said, "Yes, let him come in."

Bro. Christianson said, "Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a doughnut?"

"Yes."

Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a doughnut?" Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a doughnut and sat down.

Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those seated on the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with each pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face and, by this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.

The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut?

Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you."

Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so that Linda can have a doughnut she doesn't want?"

Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for Linda. Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan. "Susan, do you want a doughnut?"

Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, "Bro. Christianson, can I help him?"

Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to do it alone, Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have a doughnut?"

As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.

Brother Christianson turned to the room and said, "And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the Father, 'Into thy hands I commend my spirit.' With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, he collapsed on the cross and died. And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten."

When everyone in the classroom heard what the teacher said and understood what he meant by this exercise, they realized how truly great Christ's sacrifice was. Steve smiled on the ground where he laid in his own sweat and began to cry.

So I Married A Redneck

I never grew up thinking I just might be a redneck. I knew we weren't rich or terribly classy but I always figured I had too many brains to be a redneck or ever marry one. God humbles me in so many ways!

When we first bought our house, our refrigerator broke. We replaced it but didn't have time to haul the old one to the dump. It sat on our back porch. Rob's Barbie truck (one of those little ones that can't haul much) died and was parked in our garage. Our toilet stopped working and was replaced but the old one was set in the bed of the broken down pickup. How grateful I was that our house came with a garage! If it hadn't, everyone would have seen the fridge on the porch and the broken toilet in the bed of a broken truck. A few bullet holes in everything and the image would have been complete.

We've moved up a step since then. No toilets or fridges hanging around (other than the ones that are working in the house) but we do have a wreck of a camper planted by the side of the garage. (Robert assures me it will be moved. Soon.) We also have a '56 Chevy truck parked in the drive that sort-of works but is hidden under a car cover to keep it safe. Of course this means that Robert has to park on the street instead of our drive. However, our biggest redneck sign involves the huge stack of wood on the side of the garage (three rows of wood the length of the garage) and the wood block and hatchets next to the front door (so Robert can chop kindling when needed).The problem with the hatchets in the front yard (besides the redneck feel) is that we have a good friend who has taken to greeting me at the front door with one in hand. It's a eerie feeling to open your front door and see a large male with a raised hatchet smiling back at you. Happily I know it's a joke but it has given me pause as to what could happen if some unfriendly (and probably drunk or high) large male came to our front door; we have supplied him with ready weaponry. I suppose we could move the chopping block and hatchets to the back porch but then we would have to drag the kindling through the house (which is a longer path than you might think in a 1100 sq. ft. home as it has built in switchbacks) as the wood stove is directly to the left of the front door. Something about economy of movement.

We will continue, I'm sure, to look like rednecks to the neighborhood and all sundry people who drive or stroll past our lived in home. Robert isn't upset by the appellation (truth be told, I think he really likes it). Even in the heat of summer, the hatchets and the chopping block will still be there. Again with the economy of movement. And I will just have to take comfort in knowing that if a madman shows up wielding our own hatchets against us, Robert will, in true redneck fashion, simply shoot him down with the gun he keeps in the bedroom.

Conversations III

March 1, 2008

Emmalouise:1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13...16!
Quinn: uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco, seis, siete, ocho...
Emmalouise: No, Quinn! I speak Engliss.

****

March 8, 2008

Emmalouise (on the phone with Poppa): Carbon [our dog] can't speak. I'm teaching her how to speak so I can understand her.

****

March 11, 2008

(Quinn and I were discussing his sleep over with his cousin coming up on Friday.)

Quinn: When's Friday?
Mom: Well, today is Tuesday, so tomorrow is Wednesday and then Thursday and Friday. So three days.
Quinn: Then I need to get packing!

****

March 16, 2008

In which breakfast is eaten while all three of my children pretend to be characters from Sky High.

Emmalouise: But I'm your girlfriend! (Pause.) I'm Leila!
Rhys: Then use your plant powers Leila.
Emmalouise: I can't. I ran out. They're all gone.

Emmalouise (yelling from the bathroom): Stronghold! Stronghold!
Rhys turns
Emmalouise: You can talk to me in the bathroom, just use your phone.
(as Lulu talks into a toy car, her "phone.")

Mom: So Quinn, who are you? Warren Peace?
Quinn gets a sly grin.
Rhys: No, he's someone made up with psychic powers.
Another sly grin from Quinn.

My Year of Miracles

One of the things I'm doing in my attempts to gain some semblance of life control and happiness is to define specifically what success means to me and what I want to accomplish in this life.

In particular, I've been thinking of my coming 33rd birthday. I used to, whenever someone would turn 33, tell them (apparently over and over again according to my friend Elizabeth) that 33 was the age Jesus was when He died. My sister-in-law, Julie, turned 33 two years ago and I shared the same happy news with her. Her reply was, "I know. It's my year of miracles." I decided that this was a much nicer turn of phrase than, "Hey, did you know Jesus died when He was your age?" So I've adopted calling 33 the year of miracles. My poor friend Elizabeth wishes I had had this epiphany when she was 33!

So, in five months I begin my year of miracles and I was thinking in the shower this morning that I should list 33 miracles I want to accomplish in my year. Reading my scriptures, all in one year. Writing a book. Then I thought, "Well those are grandiose ideas, I need something smaller?" Running 33 miles? Never. Never going to happen! Walking 33 miles? Too too easy. Walking 33 miles in a day? Not going to happen. Walking 33 miles in a month? Again, too easy. 33 miles in a week? Yeah, probably not going to happen either. Abandoning all pretense of ever exercising again? Most likely. Anyway, the thought persists and will probably be part of my, "What is success to me and what is my purpose on this planet?" discovery.

What would you want to accomplish in your year of miracles? All ideas happily accepted (I did briefly entertain the running 33 miles idea....)

My Reality and Why I've Been Loathe To Share

Alright. I suppose after all this time that I should post a bit more about my life than just some cryptic quotes about violin-playing goats, random quizzes and the occasional conversation with my children. The purpose of this blog is to update those who don't live near me on my life and I've been failing at that purpose.

I haven't wanted to post anything too personal because I am struggling far more than I would like to be. In November it was easy to see a cause for my struggles, a cause outside of myself. Right now, I know that the cause is deeply rooted in my soul and psyche and I struggle with further evidence that I am anything but perfect. I know, no one but Jesus has been perfect but I always hope I will be better than I am and, oddly, I am always surprised when those hopes are crushed.

My depression eased for a bit, enough to get me through the holidays and Rhys' birthday. When January began, I really was feeling quite hopeful that I could put this all behind me and become a reborn, confident and happy woman. But then, mid-January, my depression returned with a vengeance. It hasn't ever gone away again and I suppose part of the reason is that I've just quit fighting. The voices in my head (negative tapes but I like the psychotic sound of voices though my therapist calls them something else altogether and assures me I'm not actually psychotic) became so loud that I had a hard time hearing anything beyond them. Logically, I knew that those thoughts were lies but my heart ate them up like a slice of chocolate cake. It got to be so I couldn't be left alone with my own head and so I was constantly reading escapist literature, watching movies and running (mentally not physically - heaven forbid that I should do anything positive!) as fast as I could. I stopped going to church because all I would do when I was there was either daydream I was somewhere else or cry. I stopped really praying for the same reason. Anytime the Spirit touched my heart, I would sob and sob. No. Fun.

On February 20, I went in to see my OB/GYN. After being examined as thoroughly as only a gynecologist can examine, we discussed medications. I am now taking Lexapro. The first day I was so nauseous I survived on saltine crackers and ginger tea. The second day I got better and within a few days the nauseousness left completely and was replaced by ravenous hunger. All. Day. So much for weight loss. I felt happy without being short-tempered for the first time in months! This week (week two) the blues have started making their presence known a bit more forcefully and I'm not sure if I will need to up my dosage or if this is merely my body adjusting to the meds or if it's just my period effecting everything as my cycle is wont to do. But the good news is that the voices in my head are quiet and, God willing, fairly ineffectual. I'm basically caught up on laundry and have started doing dishes before they grow furry friends. I even, hallelujah, used the vacuum!! (Literally, this is the first time in....months...I can't remember when I last turned it on.) Now, if I could just get my bathroom clean (again, months and can't remember the last time is was cleaned only that my husband was the one to do it and Robert rarely cleans the bathroom, so I'm sure you'll understand the length of time involved here), I could begin to feel on top of my house at least and hopefully, slowly, my life.

I go back to my OB (thankfully no more thorough exams for another year. At least. Longer if my typical procrastination of the dreaded visit comes into play. Incidentally, my OB is male and as a little tit-for-tat I asked for a female urologist for my husband. Hee, hee, hee.) on the 19th and we're going to discuss the medications. But I'm hopeful that they will continue to help and hopeful that I needn't be on them the rest of my life but who knows? As previously discussed, I'm terrified of menopause so just maybe...the next twenty years?

I saw my therapist on Wednesday and will see her again on the 19th. We're working on my grief over my mom's death and my father's family changing so dramatically. I always have known that humans die and, because of my faith, had a positive outlook on crossing over for people like my mom. I just never realized and comprehended how much I would miss her presence in my life. That's been the hardest thing to deal with; I just miss her so much that at times my heart aches and I still cry until I can't breathe. So, we're working on it and, again God willing, I won't be quite so distraught in 2009.

So actually, I'm okay now and working on being hopeful and optimistic. I'm going to church this Sunday and plan to stay the whole four hours (including choir) for the first time since January. I'm more patient with my kids and less prone to irritability (that seemed to be my MO -- depression followed by not quite happy but not depressed periods of irritability). Maybe, just maybe, I can finally get my Christmas decorations put away!

One of my biggest losses (slight exaggeration) is that I never got to post on February 29....Rascals!