Day of Reckoning

Well, the day has come and gone and I need to account for my year of miracles. Truth be told, half way through this year I paused to consider the fact that I had never prayed about my list and that became more evident as my life dramatically shifted and miracles I was looking to accomplish suddenly became moot points. Additionally, miracles I hadn't even considered, yea, they were not even a glimmer in my eye, began to appear.

But, first, let's recap:

1. Read my scriptures, cover to cover, book to book.

I didn't do this. I didn't come close to doing this. I may never do this in a year in my entire life. But I have had good jags of dedicated reading (a month or two at a time) and I'm optimistic about new habits being formed. Either way, I felt an increased love for the scriptures and a greater desire to read them

2. Run a mile in less than 10 minutes. This may have to be reduced to just running a mile.
19. Be able to use 10, 12 and 15 pound weights for weight lifting workouts.

Ha. Haha. Hahahahahahahahaha. Okay. Got that out of my system. So...yeah, no, this didn't happen either. It's funny too because these were the goals I really wanted (top of the list) and nothing happened. Perhaps God's list doesn't match mine? But I have been going for walks. I won't even scratch this one as I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be going for walks; the 6:30am wake up calls are killing me.

3. Watch my tongue. Not sure how to measure success of this measure.

I'm not quite sure if I succeeded at this, I still make poor choices on the things that come out of my mouth, but I am much more aware of what I'm saying and when I've misspoken. I'm counting that as an advancement in this area.

4. Befriend someone new.

I've made online friends, I've been better at retaining friends I've made in the past and I've become closer with some people who were just acquaintances. Additionally, I have been making stronger efforts to step up to others and to leave my comfort zone.

5. Befriend someone I don't like. I hear my therapist cautioning that there could be a good and healthy reason that I don't like them and maybe it's better they weren't really my "friend."

I don't think that I did this. I'm learning how to set boundaries and be friendly to those who have burnt me while still being cautious. But I am learning that I don't have to be and I cannot be friends with everyone. I think I'll cross this off anyway.....

5. Befriend someone I don't like. I hear my therapist cautioning that there could be a good and healthy reason that I don't like them and maybe it's better they weren't really my "friend."

6. Find a charity to support and donate, even a buck every month.

I've learned that I already have quite the spirit of giving and tend to give money to all sorts of causes without even thinking about it - supporting my kids in their schools, donating money at the grocery stores, buying things from school groups, my church donations, etc. I've also learned that it's very hard to pick one thing to support as there are so many in need and so many worthy causes.

7. Take two LCC math classes to bone up for grad school.
8. Call the Hult Center to look into volunteering as an usher - free viewing of theatrical productions- woo hoo!
10. Volunteer or, potentially, substitute in HS math.
11. Call Pacific University and discuss MEd program.
12. Call UofO and discuss MEd programs.

God essentially nullified these with His one miracle list. Next time, remind me to plug my computer into His blackberry and sync them up before attempting this. Although I did learn that right now I want a MAT (MA in Teaching) and not a MEd (Masters of Eduction) as the first is to get my teaching certificate and the 2nd is for people who have already been teaching. See? I did start the ball rolling....

9. Monthly dates with my DH. Perhaps I should tell Robert that we are doing this....

I'm checking this one off. While we did follow through a few times this year, we didn't ever have a regular date night or even something written on the calendar proclaiming DATE NIGHT! However, I have learned though that we do spend of lot of time together as is and that working on a relationship takes work, time and an effort to make it a priority. And I think we hit the dating thing enough months (especially with all the absentee time) to count.

13. Spend 1/2 hr. one on one with each of my kids weekly but I'll settle for monthly.

Um.....yeah....no. This one was a spectacular failure. May I say, for the record even, that I am a horrible, HORRIBLE single mother. I'm just starting to recoup and enjoy my kids again after living for months in survival mode.

14. Talk to my MIL about how much I appreciate her sacrifices regarding my wedding. (Robert was the only member in his family, we were married in the Seattle Temple - you do the math.)

This one is still very much in my heart and my mind. I haven't had a chance to talk with her, fact to face, and I'm not sure it's appropriate over the phone or in a letter.

15. Survive July in Alaska. Not talking about the wild animals...or maybe I am! :)

Done and done. Last year and this and August is looking hopeful too!

16. Attend a temple endowment session. At least once. Potential bonus points for additional visits.
17. Attend a temple initiatory session. Do we call it a session? Oh well, there it is.

And I get bonus points too as I did both at least a 2nd time (I don't think I managed a third). So, I'm figuring that all my bonus points can cover the miracles that didn't occur! ;)

18. Write 33 Thank You notes or "love letters" (not romantic ones but "I think you are super fabulous" kind of love letters) to individuals who have touched my life. Preferably hand-written.

I only ever managed one or two and there are some people to whom I need to send these letters. Again, this will be a good reminder.

20. Monthly love notes to my children and husband. Maybe just daily one liners. Still flexible on this.

I did the one liners for a few weeks and the family really loved them. I need to start them again because they really did help. However, I don't think I can cross this off as I didn't even do enough to get it more on my radar.

21. Find hope again. A real miracle. Desperately seeking God's blessing in this one.

I know right? After a few agonizing weeks in Alaska, I'm beginning to feel alive and hopeful again. I have loved being able to see and talk to my dad and Aunt Judy on a regular basis. I have loved living with Robert again. And even Alaska is starting to seep back into my bones and heart. Overall, these last couple of weeks I have really felt at peace and hopeful and comfortable behind my rose colored glasses.

22. Make matching dresses for me and Lulu while she's still young enough to think it's cool instead of a reason to vomit.

Yeah.....no. And I think she may have reached the vomitting age - not sure - I'll have to ask.

23. Scrapbook 1 year of photos. Too ambitious? Maybe, one month of photos. Whatever. I just need to scrapbook a few more pages.

I haven't scrapbooked in forever! But I do know where all my supplies are (amazing since they're still in boxes in our shipping containers). So, can I half scratch this one? No? Yes?

24. Get the photos on my computer developed.

Done. Now if only I'd done it BEFORE the crash last spring!

25. Get the photos sitting on rolls of film in my closet developed.

Done!!

26. Clean off my bedroom dresser.
27. Keep my bedroom dresser clean for one week.
28. Take a family picture (sans DH) in front of the Mendenhall Glacier.

Done, done, did. WOO HOO! I like this part of the list.

29. Come to grips with the imminence of death and see it as a blessing rather than a curse. Meaning, stop fretting that everyone I love is going to die and leave me but rejoice in having them now.

Yeah, I'm still not there. I don't know if I'll ever be but I believe I'm beginning to catch glimpses of such a vision. Mostly I've learned that mortality sucks and involves me crying. A lot.

30. Begin to like my emotions. Mmmm...I'd just be happy to have the desire to plant this seed.

See #29.

31. Finish typing up my mom's journals. (I'm sure everyone will be happy to begin receiving entries again on a regular basis.)

No. I haven't touched these in months. I think losing all those previous entries when my computer died stopped my momentum. I know several people have them all stored, but I just haven't got back into doing this again.

32. Write an essay about something important to me.

Done. Not a great essay. Not well researched. But I've sounded off on some controversial subjects despite potential black balls. So, while I didn't do quite what I had in mind, I feel I accomplished this.

33. Finish Step 9. (Long story - maybe someday I'll get into it.)

Didn't touch it. All year. I need to get over my fears and just stand up and say what I feel. So much good has come out of that which I have already done in regards to this. I also need to share the story but that's another day and a lot more typing.

FINAL ANALYSIS:

If my counting is accurate (and please remember: I'm tired with a headache), I accomplished 20 out of 33. Not bad. With bonus points I figure it's a perfect score. :)

In the end though I am struck by a few things. #1 (as previously mentioned), I never did talk about this list with God. I wonder how different the list would have been if I had. #2, I'm trying to work on accepting my best as good enough and realizing that perfection is not necessary and striving for perfection can actually ruin some of my efforts and sacrifices. #3, there are so many miracles that were accomplished that are not on this list: we moved; our house may be selling; I survived six months without Robert; and I have learned a great deal about myself, God and our relationship. All things considered, I think my year of miracles was just that.

Because in the end, it's a year of miracles because 33 was Jesus' year of miracles and if I've improved my relationship with Him, then that's the best miracle of all. (Corny, I know, but so true. And please remember, screaming headache and sooo tired!)

A Word on Politics

I normally keep to myself about my political beliefs. Oh sure, my nearest and dearest have heard my monologues from time to time (read: frequently) but I typically keep quiet when in public or around others who don’t share my viewpoint so as to keep friends and keep the peace.

But, this is my blog, damn it, and I’ll say what I want.

I’m conservative. Shocking I’m sure. I try and avoid labels; I’m registered undeclared and usually have anxiety attacks when I think of calling myself Democrat or Republican. But I am, overall, conservative.

On most issues I vacillate around in the middle and take a great deal of time to make my mind up. If I’m not required to vote on the issue, I may never make my mind up. I am too sympathetic to both sides of the argument and agree that generally both sides have valid points; how then do I discount one and side with the other?

Even on this last presidential election (should that be capitalized?), I found myself going back and forth, back and forth, unsure where to hang my hat. I finally made a decision not based on the candidates themselves or on any of the issues and solutions they were proposing but on a balance of power; Democrats would control the Congress, then I would vote for a Republic Executive Branch and thus hope that any decisions actually made and passed would have the approval of both parties.

Things just didn’t turn out that way.

Obama won. I was excited about the fact that we now have our first African-American President. How could I not be? It’s a huge advance from where we were as a society 50 years ago. And I was cautiously optimistic about this new administration with its matching Congressional shoes. Maybe good things would be done….

That was about six months ago and I must say that I’m not impressed. I’m concerned about the amount of money that the Federal government is spending; where are all these billions and trillions of dollars coming from? Do I want to know? What are we passing on to our children? A bankrupt future? I was surprised to see Congress and the President pass these huge stimulation and bailout plans. I realize that the economy had tanked (believe me, I’ve been trying to sell my house – I feel the pain) and everyone was furiously trying to come up with an idea to keep everything from slipping into a depression (I’m in no hurry to relive the 1930’s). But it seems so counterintuitive to me to get out of a financial crisis by spending money you don’t have.

But my biggest frustration is the proposed health care plan. I’ve never been a supporter off a national health care plan (I’ve never met a Canadian who really liked it and I wonder if my mother would have gotten the health care she did if medical care had been nationalized at the time) but I’m also frustrated by the Democrats willingness to push this new plan through with or without Republican support. Before the Revolution from England, the Continental Congress used a general majority rule as we currently do. But for the decision to revolt and declare our independence, a unanimous vote was required. I’m not thinking that we need a unanimous vote to approve the new healthcare plan but this is a monumental change to the way our government works and as such shouldn't it require more than a simple majority vote? Shouldn’t this plan be examined and brainstormed with all possibilities exhausted and examined before the decision is made? It seems to be happening so quickly with such little thought and respect of the opposition, realizing that the opposition represents real people who support those senators.

And again I wonder, where will all this money come from? From my understanding, (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) nationalizing health care will not change the price of medical but will simply shift who is picking up the tab. Health care is expensive. How can we as a nation really afford to give top notch care to every single individual in the country? Will the aged be cared for as well? What about the desperately sick? Obama has also promised, both while campaigning and even currently, that insuring the currently uninsured will be paid for without raising taxes on 95% of Americans. Really? I'm thinking that taxing only 5% of Americans won't be enough to pay the tab. Which then makes me worry about how much taxes will be raised on businesses. As a small business owner, I'm concerned on how much we'll be asked to pay in taxes and if our business can survive the increases?

I have so many questions and none of them seem to be getting addressed. I’m not sure where to ask these questions to get the answers. I also believe that none of this is insurmountable but it means working together and I have felt during the last administration, and in the current one, a rendering of the American identity. Do we even have one anymore? Do we have anything that holds us as a nation together in one cohesive unit? That’s my greatest worry because if we continue to turn on each other like rabid dogs, all we’ll get is a continued spread of the disease and a continued descent into madness.

Can you see why I generally don’t discuss politics?

Older Than Jesus

It's official. Today I'm 34 and therefore older than Jesus. I don't mean to sound irreverent but that's what I've been thinking all week and to tell you the truth, I feel a little odd. I feel as though I've lived longer than I should and that I'm receiving a gift of life that the Savior never got.

Perhaps it's this feeling of life as a gift that has been coloring my day because it has been wonderful! And it's only 11am here.

I woke up at 6:28am (I know, not quite so wonderful) to the sound of a text on my cell phone. My BFF sent me a note (Happy Birthday squishy) which so made my morning. I set off with Carbon, our black lab, for a walk on Sandy Beach (we're terribly original with our names here) and had a nice chat with Lizzie on the phone.

I met my aunt (my mom's sister) at the beach. We've been walking together in the mornings for the last week and a half. Today was the last day we could go together as she's a teacher and starts work on Monday and leaves today for a weekend away. I have loved our walks - it's a bit like having my mom back. She too feels the loss of my mother. We have spent hours talking about family - current and ancestoral, the gospel, politics and life. We have talked about nothing. We have watched all the wildlife on the beach (seagulls, bald eagles, ravens and blue herons, jellyfish and dead chum salmon) and picked out all their footprints. We have seen mining relics and wondered at the little odd things one finds here and there on a beach.

It has been wonderful.

Upon arriving back home, I got to crawl back into my pjs and into bed and was then showered with gifts.

It's funny you know. I've heard about the 5 love languages and always paused to think about what my love language was and could never figure it out. It came to me today: it's receiving gifts. It's a bit of a heart shocker because I have always prided myself on not being materialistic but I feel loved by receiving gifts. I will say, though, that it's not a matter of money but of thought. I love it when someone brings me something that I have desperately wanted or speaks to my heart or fits me; I love to see the thought and time that someone has poured into a gift for me.

This morning my husband gave me the most perfect card I have received (I'll try and post it sometime) and then gave me a peridot (my birthstone) ring. It's perfect as I lost my ring years ago when I put it in a "safe place" while I was prego with Lulu and I have wanted a ring on my finger again. It's also perfect because it's just a peridot and so while I know he spent some money on me, I rejoice in the fact that we will not be selling our kids to pay for it.

The kids came in with breakfast in bed: scrambled eggs, milk and two pieces of toast with marionberry jam. They all had cards and presents. Lulu's was a bath scrubby that could reach my back, Quinn's was a pink (I know - I'm such a girl!) water bottle with a built in straw that hides when I twist the lid and a clip so I can take it walking and Rhys' was a box of DARK chocolate cherry cordials. It felt so good to know that they each hit on something I needed - my back is always itchy and needs to be scrubbed, I LOVE to drink water all the time especially on the go and I LOVE dark chocolate.e

Afterwards I took a hot shower which used to be one of my favorite things but over the last few months has become more of a chore than anything else. I even (it's true) have taken to only showering every other day and throwing my hair in a pony tail. (Gasp!) I know. But today I reveled in the pleasure of hot water running down my spine and through my hair. I reveled in the feeling of clean skin.

My SIL Mia brought me my birthday cake (devil's food cake with chocolate chips baked in and homemade chocolate frosting - Y.U.M.M.Y!!) and lots of birthday love. My SIL Julie called me from Oregon and we had a lovely chat.

And the day is still young.

You know those days that are just so delicious that you feel happiness, joy and goodness just oozing out of your pores? This is one of those days for me. And I'm lucky enough that it also just so happens to be my birthday.

So, thank you to all my loved ones who have sent me birthday presents, wishes, prayers, love and thoughts.

And thank you God for giving me life and more time on earth than Jesus.