I Think My Days as a Defective Typewriter Are Ending

I'm blue today. I was blue yesterday but I blamed on a lack of sleep (5 hours as opposed to 8/9).

Now I'm wondering if my hormones are swinging and I'm going to finally get that period that my body has been putting off for the last 3 weeks.

See? This is why I didn't rush out to buy a really expensive pregnancy test (although I've heard the ones from the Dollar Store are quite effective).

Blech. This just means that this next week is going to be harder than I planned with mood swings inevitable and a desperate need to keep taking my happy pills.

I'll try to post something more uplifting soon.

I Am A Wicked Stepmother

(Side note: does anyone know when or when not to capitalize in a title? I wasn't going to capitalize the "a" but it looked dumb being the only non-capital in the phrase.)

My daughter had a friend over yesterday. Hailey dressed as Snow White and Emmalouise was Cinderella (although they said that they were both Cinderella) and I was the wicked stepmother. I had to talk meanly to them and order them about.

"Sweep the hearth."

They did.

"Sweep under the table."

They didn't but they did wipe down the tub and the sink in the bathroom with water dampened washcloths.

"Can we do they dishes?" they asked.

"Um...sure...er, DO THE DISHES!"

They did.

Not clean enough to put away but enough to load into the dishwasher. This kept them busy for two hours.

Seriously.

Maybe I should become a wicked stepmother to my kids; I visualize a lot more getting done.

Learned Something Unexpected

So I had a good cry last night (the kind where you can't breathe and you get a sinus headache) and feel remarkably restored. I'm hoping I only go up from here.

I was surprised today to find myself not missing Robert but our furry, four-legged companion instead.

I dropped some lunch on the floor and Carbon did not come running. The kids spill food, bits fly while I make dinner and I actually have to bend down and pick it up!!

I don't know if I can go on like this for the next six months....

Robert's Gone

And I'm sad. Very, very sad.

I know I shouldn't be; we are still happily married, I'm going to see him again in a month and we'll be together come July, which really isn't all that far away.

But...



His side of the closet is empty.

His truck is missing from our driveway.

His dirty socks and wet towels aren't on the floor.

His laugh isn't in this house.



I miss him terribly and it's hasn't even been 12 hours since he left.


I was hoping I wouldn't be this sad.

But I am.

Shamelessly Trying to Win Something

Because that's what I do at 2:30am when I can't sleep.

Pour my soul out to random strangers and look for free stuff.

Yup, at least I'm not maxing out my credit cards shopping online.

But hey, maybe I'll start that at 3:30am....


Anywho, MormonMommyBlogs is having a free giveaway. (That's redundant but it is 2:30am.) All you have to do is comment. I left a comment about stinky socks and they may still have to give me a prize!! It's easy. You can do it in your sleep or in your insomnia. Just do it!

Or don't. I might win if you don't.

Yeah, just ignore this whole post.

I Don't Understand My Man

I am emotionally high maintenance.

I get that.

And really, I've never claimed to be other. While Robert and I were still dating, before there was even a ring in his pocket, I warned him that I was emotionally high maintenance. He didn't believe me.

But now, after all these years, you'd think that he would understand me a bit and realize that I wasn't joking in the slightest when I warned him. In fact, I was probably underestimating my needs. Still, I would think that by now, particularly after these last three grueling years, he would believe me.

I think the man still hopes that one day I'll be less needy.

Last night, as I was agonizing over Robert being gone and needing validation and assurance that I am loved. (I know, I'm one of those women.)

I asked him, "Are you really going to miss me?"

To which Robert scoffed and answered with another question, something along the lines of "Are you going to miss me?"

Finally, after much wheedling and back and forth he said that he would miss me.

I asked the clincher, "Why?"

I think Robert was starting to think he wouldn't miss me quite so much.

He got quite annoyed and wouldn't answer the question and then I got annoyed and what I meant to be a sweet, simple conversation validating our relationship became a bit of an argument.

So he asked me why I would miss him.

I paused to think and he totally thought he won.

Then I said, "I will miss your presence in the home and being able to hug you and kiss you. I will miss talking with you and pawning the kids off on you whenever you get home from work."

Finally he gave me an answer and it was sweet. (I'm his best friend.)

But here's what I don't get, what's the big deal with me asking the "Why will you miss me?" or "Why do you love me?" questions every once in a while. If I asked every night, I could see how that would be greatly annoying.

But every once in awhile?

Isn't that part of being in a relationship, taking time to validate each other and reassure each other of our commitment and love? I look it at as saying "I love you" in essay form. Every once in a while, how could that not be a good thing?

Because every now and then, I do need to hear the answers. I need to know why he would want to be with such a crazy, emotionally high maintenance flaky girl.

Maybe it's just me but I don't get why it's such a big deal.

And yes, I am so emailing this to Robert.

Simply Satisfying Sabbath

Have you ever had a Sunday when everything seemed tailored to your needs? When the messages and speakers just touched your heart and you wanted to stand up and yell, "God really does live and He hears my prayers?" Today was such a Sunday for me.

I've been struggling with Robert leaving. It's one thing to talk about it and plan for it but it's another thing when that day looms ever closer. I find myself smothering him, holding him close trying to memorize the feel and smell of him, trying to imprint myself on his cells and vice versa; as if somehow, if I imprint enough, I won't feel it when he's gone; I'll just take the memories and kisses and love out of my pocket and it will be just like Robert were still here.

Then I flip to the other side: if he's leaving, I might as well just consider him gone and stop needing him, relying on him now. If we're both annoyed with each other when he leaves, then we won't miss each other so much.

It's been hard.

So today, I sat in Sacrament Meeting and my children were crazy and nosy and uncontrollable. I sat there trying to meditate during the Sacrament and I was just overloaded and done. Done, done, done - so done. And then I felt God and heard Him talk to me. He just told me I was great and my offerings were enough and I just needed to rest in Him. So I took a few minutes and sat on His lap and felt Him brush my hair.

The first talk was on hope. The choir sang "There is no other name," and the concluding speaker spoke on faith. Everything reminding me that God is always there. He doesn't leave me for 6 months and He's always online, ready to talk. Everything reminding me who this God is that I believe in and to trust in His hand; we are trying to live the gospel, trying to follow personal revelation and despite all worldly knowledge to the contrary, we are making good choices in this move and trusting God. God will sustain me through these next few months. He will hold me when I'm sad and lonely and overwhelmed. He will cheer me when I manage to get the house clean. He has given me lovely friends, a fabulous ward and great in-laws to help me. All will be well and my faith will grow. If God is who I believe He is, all of this is true.

I need to remember Nephi,

"Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh....if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?"(2 Ne 4:19-26)

So I was renewed and encouraged by this and loved the feeling of God being behind me and at my side.

Gospel Doctrine was a wonderful lesson on the restoration and the First Vision. I have been struggling with my testimony for the last few years (someday I'll blog about all that). I can't explain the moment but suffice it to say that the spirit bore witness to me that all of this did in reality happen and that I need to stand up and choose and be strong in that choice. I'm a Mormon and I'm happy to be so. I don't need to fit in with the prevailing religious theories that surround me; it's okay to be peculiar and different and, sometimes, lonely. But again, as above, I am with God and He is with me and all else is...extra (for lack of a better word).

I am feeling a bit stronger and bit more ready to watch my husband drive away with his truck loaded for bear. I am ready to face being a single parent. I am ready.

Especially now that I've written all this down and I can reread this on those days when I'm feeling not quite so ready.

My First Post

I did it!! I ripped that band-aid off and, for better or worse, exposed my gospel knowledge to the world. I dared to make myself equal - or share the same blog space - someone I HUGELY admire and respect.

I hope the post is well received (read: I hope they don't kick me out of their club).

If you're LDS, drop by and comment. An "atta girl" is always a good idea.

*whew* Here's hoping this gets easier from here on out.

Missing Unknown Friends

Have you ever noticed that once you get attached to certain blogs/bloggers, even though you've never met them, you begin to worry?

Why haven't they posted yet?

Are they okay?

Are they stranded somewhere on the side of a snowy mountain road desperately surviving on forgotten french fries found in between the seats?

Are they sick?

Have their children been captured by aliens necessitating them to go on an intergalactic mission to rescue them?

Did someone start stalking them? To death?

Seriously.

I worry.

It's what I do.

It's God's plan to teach my husband patience.

But, you all know who you are, please, blog something, even if it's just a signal flare, a "Hello Maraiya, all is well, more news to follow,"

Because I miss you.

*sniff*

Recently Heard At Our House

Lulu was looking at a picture of herself making a snow angel.

Lulu: Angels don't have butts.
Me: Why don't angels have butts?
Lulu: Well, Jesus doesn't have a butt.
Me: Why doesn't Jesus have a butt?
Lulu: Because someone took His butt away; He has a different kind of body.

5yo girls are vastly entertaining.

The Bad News Is I'm Not Dying

I have been sick.

Sicker than a dog, sickety sick sick sick.

It started with laryngitis, lots of whispering and quiet moments at my house.

Then came the occasionally productive cough.

Then came the fevers.

I dreamed of my husband taking my children to church and giving me three hours of silent bliss.

Unfortunately, he got sick too.

So we were all home.

Monday I stumbled to the doctor's office and begged for antibiotics; he gave them to me (God bless that man!).

I took them all last week.

Wednesday I was feeling better, sort of. I got up, showered and went back to bed. I got up, washed the dishes and went back to bed. I had to conserve energy to start a dinner that my husband eventually had to finish. I canceled all sorts of appointments including my crossing-guard duty the first day back at school after break.

So today I was certain that despite the lingering bronchitis and its accompanying cough, I was well enough to live life.

I worked out (which only led to many coughing fits - you know, the kind where you cross your legs tight and pray with all your might that you don't somehow end up peeing yourself?) and I took Lulu to playgroup.

I then had to take a nap.

Then I volunteered at the school and I've made dinner and now I'm ready for bed.

But I have to go back to the school.

Will someone please convince the nice bronchitis virus that I'm really not a good host and he should go infest someone else?

Like a mosquito....

I think that would be a fabulous pairing, win/win as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, the point of all of this? I think I will be blogging again.

Soon.

If nothing else, I'll start whining after the 22nd about how I'm lonely and how it sucks to be a single parent.

Six months of whining....aren't you stoked?!

Mad Cows Disease

My FIL's cow had a baby a week or so ago. We finally got up to visit the baby cow (may I just say - adorable? What is it about tiny little creatures that just make you go "awww?"). I took lots and lots of pictures but my favorite is this one:

I think Mama Cow and her BFF are ready to kill me.

Wow.

Who knew a cow could get so mad?

Our Bags are Packed

er....make that being packed. I officially purchased our tickets to travel north. Robert leaves in a few weeks (sooner than planned - we're very sad) and the kids and I leave in July.

Anyone desiring to travel north in a small 4-berth cabin with 3 children for the space of 4 days and 3 nights in order to keep me from going insane, please let me know.

Seriously....I'm very worried for my mental health.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIA!!!

All this and brains too!

And all at the tender age of 21!

I have no idea how my older brother got so lucky!