Baptism by Fire

This weekend I drove to Washington to visit some friends (Tom and Pam) and witness their daughter's (Ryleigh) baptism. Children grow so fast. It is always surreal to see children after being gone for a time. The whole weekend the video clip of Tom and Pam announcing that they were pregnant with Ryleigh ran through my head. Life moves along whether I want it to or not.

Anyway, the drive up was uneventful but I felt I had guardian angel help as I was so tired that I'm not sure I completely remember the five hour drive. We arrived safely and I had a good time catching up with everyone. The next morning we had breakfast and the children made themselves busy playing with their friends and their friends' cousins. I think the only time I talked to them was to remind them to get dressed and when they got hungry enough to come and find me!

Then, it happened. It started to snow. The two years that I lived in North Bend, we rarely got snow. It fell about once or twice a winter and was gone in a few days. Saturday, North Bend got about 10 inches (according to Tom's measurements) in less than 24 hours. I didn't have coats for my kids (they wore their pajamas up and in our haste to get out of Oregon, I forgot to pack them). I didn't have a scraper for the van to remove the snow and ice. But, prepared or not, the snow came. And snow or no snow, the baptism was on. I would just have to drive slowly and crank the heater. And so I did. I drove 20 miles an hour in the dark from Tom and Pam's house to the baptism. I drove 15 miles an hour in the dark from the baptism back to Tom and Pam's house. Many of my friends couldn't understand my anxiety. "Didn't you grow up in Alaska?" I did. But, as I reminded them again and again, I only drove there for two years and I haven't lived there for the last 14. Additionally, when I did drive up there, it was with 4-wheel drive or studded tires. I am not an experienced mini-van, all-weather tire, snow driver.

What I didn't tell them is that I have been struggling with anxiety and depression and that the anxiety hit big time this weekend. I was overwhelmed with the amount of people in the house, most of whom I knew only vaguely. Tom's family was there, Pam's whole family was there, friends were there....it went on and on until voices blurred and faces melded. Then I was overwhelmed with the thought of the drive, less than five miles I think, in the dark with snow and ice. Robert could have driven us and barely given it a second thought. Robert, however, was unable to make the trip with me so there was no one to fall back on. The safety of myself and my children rested solely on my shoulders and we had already driven five hours; how could five miles stop me from attending the baptism? I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I drove. I made it. I cried on my bed when we got back to Tom and Pam's. I wanted to kiss the ground. I thanked God that the drive was over and prayed that the predictions of rain and warmer temperatures would make the snow disappear so I could go home.

I went to sleep for the night secure in the thought that all would be well the next day. I awoke and was still surrounded by snow. Then it started to snow more. I started to cry. I just wanted to go home. Why was this happening? It never snows like this on December 1 and 2 in North Bend!! We checked the roads and apparently the snow was limited to the valley and the rest of the drive looked rainy but clear. I decided I would go for it. It took me an hour to pack up the kids and the van. I cleaned off the van with my fleece sweatshirt and waded through calf deep snow in tennis shoes to make paths for my children. Finally, we were loaded and ready. Then I tried to drive away. I got stuck. I drove forward a bit, put it in reverse and gave it all I had hoping we could blast through the snow. I got more stuck. I flagged down Tom, who was plowing the drive, to come help. As I waited for him, I looked at the sky and started to cry. "Why God? Why was this happening? " He knew how much I hated to drive in snow and ice and yet here, all alone without Robert, He had sent snow. For what purpose?

As I stared at the sky and cried, I remembered this past week and my prayers for humility. I have been trying to take my problems to God, understanding that I could not fix them myself, and yet I felt like a rebellious teenager with my hands on my hips and my chin stuck out, daring God to help, expecting that He wouldn't and so I would have to do it myself all the while I was dying inside. I wanted to change this rebellious feeling and be more humble, but how? As I stood in the snow, I had the feeling that all this snow was sent for me. Here I was, literally stuck and completely unable to help myself. I needed God's hand to protect us and to keep my anxiety at bay. I needed to realize how powerless I am in my own life just as I was in that moment standing in snow, crying next to a stuck mini-van. I needed to better appreciate how much my children need God in their lives and how much I need Him to help me raise them. In that moment, I felt humble and ready to listen.

I made it home safely -- the snowy conditions only lasted about 15 miles. But keeping the humility of that moment is a challenge. I find that humility is fleeting and every time I think I've got it, it disappears. But I'm grateful for that moment, that taste of humility and the knowledge that I can possess it. I'm so grateful for God and the moments when every thing comes together and I can see that He really is working diligently on my behalf. I am grateful for the gentle whispers of the Holy Ghost reminding an anxious, snow bound girl that this is for her good. I am grateful for the moments when I feel cradled in His hands and surrounded by His love, especially when it is a moment that I am standing in flames.