Forbidden Fruit

Since I poured out my agony online, I have been feeling a bit better. But I'm still crying all the time. In fact tonight, as I lie down to sleep - my daughter curled up on the other end of my king bed, I started sobbing. I can't pray and not cry. It's the mixture of despair and "Why God?" and acceptance, however grudgingly rendered.

At the same time, I can't get rid of the thought, "What is the point to this life?" I believe that a huge reason for our human existence is to love other people with our whole hearts, selflessly, as God loves us. But that love is inextricably interwoven with pain and hurt and sorrow and grief. To which my glass-half-empty state of mind then reads, "The point of life is to be sad."

Following that thought, I stretch out to eternity and the next life....perhaps it will be better? But one of my deepest, darkest fears (and I've wondered about this since I was a teenager) is that the next life won't be any better. According to my beliefs, part of the next life is living life as my Father does and having spirit children who I will love, deeply. And they in turn, while rendering wonderful men and women as Daniel and Mary, will also yield Lucifer, Cain, Judas and Adolph Hitler. My fear, then, is that we never hear about Heavenly Mother because she spends eternity in her solar, sobbing. My fear, then, is that this is the destiny of my soul.

And I hate crying. Especially over things I can't change.