My Reality and Why I've Been Loathe To Share

Alright. I suppose after all this time that I should post a bit more about my life than just some cryptic quotes about violin-playing goats, random quizzes and the occasional conversation with my children. The purpose of this blog is to update those who don't live near me on my life and I've been failing at that purpose.

I haven't wanted to post anything too personal because I am struggling far more than I would like to be. In November it was easy to see a cause for my struggles, a cause outside of myself. Right now, I know that the cause is deeply rooted in my soul and psyche and I struggle with further evidence that I am anything but perfect. I know, no one but Jesus has been perfect but I always hope I will be better than I am and, oddly, I am always surprised when those hopes are crushed.

My depression eased for a bit, enough to get me through the holidays and Rhys' birthday. When January began, I really was feeling quite hopeful that I could put this all behind me and become a reborn, confident and happy woman. But then, mid-January, my depression returned with a vengeance. It hasn't ever gone away again and I suppose part of the reason is that I've just quit fighting. The voices in my head (negative tapes but I like the psychotic sound of voices though my therapist calls them something else altogether and assures me I'm not actually psychotic) became so loud that I had a hard time hearing anything beyond them. Logically, I knew that those thoughts were lies but my heart ate them up like a slice of chocolate cake. It got to be so I couldn't be left alone with my own head and so I was constantly reading escapist literature, watching movies and running (mentally not physically - heaven forbid that I should do anything positive!) as fast as I could. I stopped going to church because all I would do when I was there was either daydream I was somewhere else or cry. I stopped really praying for the same reason. Anytime the Spirit touched my heart, I would sob and sob. No. Fun.

On February 20, I went in to see my OB/GYN. After being examined as thoroughly as only a gynecologist can examine, we discussed medications. I am now taking Lexapro. The first day I was so nauseous I survived on saltine crackers and ginger tea. The second day I got better and within a few days the nauseousness left completely and was replaced by ravenous hunger. All. Day. So much for weight loss. I felt happy without being short-tempered for the first time in months! This week (week two) the blues have started making their presence known a bit more forcefully and I'm not sure if I will need to up my dosage or if this is merely my body adjusting to the meds or if it's just my period effecting everything as my cycle is wont to do. But the good news is that the voices in my head are quiet and, God willing, fairly ineffectual. I'm basically caught up on laundry and have started doing dishes before they grow furry friends. I even, hallelujah, used the vacuum!! (Literally, this is the first time in....months...I can't remember when I last turned it on.) Now, if I could just get my bathroom clean (again, months and can't remember the last time is was cleaned only that my husband was the one to do it and Robert rarely cleans the bathroom, so I'm sure you'll understand the length of time involved here), I could begin to feel on top of my house at least and hopefully, slowly, my life.

I go back to my OB (thankfully no more thorough exams for another year. At least. Longer if my typical procrastination of the dreaded visit comes into play. Incidentally, my OB is male and as a little tit-for-tat I asked for a female urologist for my husband. Hee, hee, hee.) on the 19th and we're going to discuss the medications. But I'm hopeful that they will continue to help and hopeful that I needn't be on them the rest of my life but who knows? As previously discussed, I'm terrified of menopause so just maybe...the next twenty years?

I saw my therapist on Wednesday and will see her again on the 19th. We're working on my grief over my mom's death and my father's family changing so dramatically. I always have known that humans die and, because of my faith, had a positive outlook on crossing over for people like my mom. I just never realized and comprehended how much I would miss her presence in my life. That's been the hardest thing to deal with; I just miss her so much that at times my heart aches and I still cry until I can't breathe. So, we're working on it and, again God willing, I won't be quite so distraught in 2009.

So actually, I'm okay now and working on being hopeful and optimistic. I'm going to church this Sunday and plan to stay the whole four hours (including choir) for the first time since January. I'm more patient with my kids and less prone to irritability (that seemed to be my MO -- depression followed by not quite happy but not depressed periods of irritability). Maybe, just maybe, I can finally get my Christmas decorations put away!

One of my biggest losses (slight exaggeration) is that I never got to post on February 29....Rascals!