Faces and Bodies

I was at the beach yesterday (it was a scorching 80 degrees) with my kids. As I strolled up the beach to use the facilities, I glanced around me and pondered (as I am wont to do - seriously, someday I'd like to just have quiet time when my brain wasn't thinking anything; is that possible as a woman? Or is that called "sleep?"). I saw all these people from infants to the elderly in all different states of dress (although the wee children were the only ones who were completely naked) and they all looked beautiful: young girls with no curves; middle aged women with curves where there shouldn't have been any; chubby prepubescent boys getting ready to shoot up; grown men with muscles or beer bellies; and a few hot chicks in bikinis (yes, even in Alaska they are there at the beach, although decidedly less than Waikiki I'm sure).

My point, and I do have one, is that all these people looked wonderful too me. I didn't stop and criticize any of their shapes and faces; I didn't wonder, "Holy Hannah! Should she really be wearing that?!" And yet...and yet, when I look in my own mirror I see my stretchmarked belly that still looks like I have a nine month old baby inside. I see my chubby thighs through which no daylight can be seen. I see all my scars and my Relief Society arms. I see my zits and bad skin, my stretchmarked breasts with enormous (too big in my opinion) aureoles. I see my rosy cheeks that are always too big, regardless of my weight. I can't see my neck because it's short to begin with and is currently hidden by at least two chins. I see my sloping shoulders and my burns from the beach yesterday, my swollen hands that have too many lines and look too short and stubby when I wear rings or nail polish. I see my thin lips and my squinty eyes. I see my cellulite dimpled butt.

And I sigh.

I'm too fat, too short, not pretty enough, not this enough, too much that.

Why is it that I can look at the varied masses of humanity and see their individual beauty and then I look at myself and see nothing but flaws?

I think too that this applies to more than my body image; it applies as well to my vision of my inner self. I see all the strengths in others and nothing but my weakness.

I am determined to change this (not that I think I'm losing weight anytime soon). But I'm beautiful. I'm important. I'm loved.

And I will wear my swimsuit on the beach without a cover-up, damnit!