Hormones Shmormones

I suppose this is what happens with hubris; I was feeling so pleased with myself last month when I was sad over Rob leaving, cried it out and awoke reborn - I was thinking I had this depression stuff licked or at least better understood.

Whatever.

Yeah, my period showed up and so did my tears, my black funk and blue fog. I spent yesterday escaping into work (volunteering at a school function) or into lalaland (I watched a few new episodes of my favorite TV shows).

This morning I finished reading the third book in the Uglies series. Once the book came to an end, the sadness descended.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate this aspect of my personality? Z described it as being a wind swept moor as opposed to a sunny, tropical beach. But there are days when I am tired of the darkness, the emotions and the drama. I just want to be flatline, still and at peace with everything around me. Sometimes numbness seems like such a welcome relief from the onslaught of drama.

When I'm depressed, everything just seems to grow to gargantuan proportions and I shrink away into nothing; I become a meaningless non-entity and I wonder at being allowed to exist at all. The dishes and laundry and children and need to worship God all become so, so heavy until I can't do them at all and I lie in bed overwhelmed with enormity of it all.

Like I said, drama.

And I revert to a two-year old. "I want my mom! I want my Robert!" which all only serves to make me sadder. As if their presences would solve anything.

And then I think of all the people in the world who have real problems and not artificially induced sadness and I feel guilt.

More drama.

So today I'm back to wondering why it would be such a bad thing really for a 33yo to have a radical hysterectomy and live without any female hormones at all.

But in the back of my mind is my real fear, that all of this would keep going on even without my hormones.