Simply Satisfying Sabbath

Have you ever had a Sunday when everything seemed tailored to your needs? When the messages and speakers just touched your heart and you wanted to stand up and yell, "God really does live and He hears my prayers?" Today was such a Sunday for me.

I've been struggling with Robert leaving. It's one thing to talk about it and plan for it but it's another thing when that day looms ever closer. I find myself smothering him, holding him close trying to memorize the feel and smell of him, trying to imprint myself on his cells and vice versa; as if somehow, if I imprint enough, I won't feel it when he's gone; I'll just take the memories and kisses and love out of my pocket and it will be just like Robert were still here.

Then I flip to the other side: if he's leaving, I might as well just consider him gone and stop needing him, relying on him now. If we're both annoyed with each other when he leaves, then we won't miss each other so much.

It's been hard.

So today, I sat in Sacrament Meeting and my children were crazy and nosy and uncontrollable. I sat there trying to meditate during the Sacrament and I was just overloaded and done. Done, done, done - so done. And then I felt God and heard Him talk to me. He just told me I was great and my offerings were enough and I just needed to rest in Him. So I took a few minutes and sat on His lap and felt Him brush my hair.

The first talk was on hope. The choir sang "There is no other name," and the concluding speaker spoke on faith. Everything reminding me that God is always there. He doesn't leave me for 6 months and He's always online, ready to talk. Everything reminding me who this God is that I believe in and to trust in His hand; we are trying to live the gospel, trying to follow personal revelation and despite all worldly knowledge to the contrary, we are making good choices in this move and trusting God. God will sustain me through these next few months. He will hold me when I'm sad and lonely and overwhelmed. He will cheer me when I manage to get the house clean. He has given me lovely friends, a fabulous ward and great in-laws to help me. All will be well and my faith will grow. If God is who I believe He is, all of this is true.

I need to remember Nephi,

"Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh....if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?"(2 Ne 4:19-26)

So I was renewed and encouraged by this and loved the feeling of God being behind me and at my side.

Gospel Doctrine was a wonderful lesson on the restoration and the First Vision. I have been struggling with my testimony for the last few years (someday I'll blog about all that). I can't explain the moment but suffice it to say that the spirit bore witness to me that all of this did in reality happen and that I need to stand up and choose and be strong in that choice. I'm a Mormon and I'm happy to be so. I don't need to fit in with the prevailing religious theories that surround me; it's okay to be peculiar and different and, sometimes, lonely. But again, as above, I am with God and He is with me and all else is...extra (for lack of a better word).

I am feeling a bit stronger and bit more ready to watch my husband drive away with his truck loaded for bear. I am ready to face being a single parent. I am ready.

Especially now that I've written all this down and I can reread this on those days when I'm feeling not quite so ready.