Happy Pills

I like euphemisms. They make my world so much more livable. Depression just becomes "the blues." So nice, so soft; it makes me think of that old New Era poster with a bunch of blue balloons. Manic children who fill my thoughts with wishes that a caravan of gypsies would come strolling by are simply "energetic rascals." Credit cards with five digits of debt become "magic cards," that magically pay for anything we need or want; somehow, though, it wasn't my trip to Paris! My medication to manage my depression so I don't have any "hmm, think I'm done with life," kind of thoughts becomes "happy pills." See, so much better! Could have been "anti-suicide-or-voices-in-my-head pills," but instead they are simply happy pills. How can a pill that makes you happy be all that bad?

When I first started taking these things I was so distraught. I thought that here was one more way in which I had failed. "Clearly, I suck at living life. Oh well, might as well get some help because I wasn't capable of getting better on my own. " The happy pills helped so much that almost overnight all those nasty voices in my head stopped and I could function again. Why had I fought so hard against this? Now, though, I am discovery that apparently the whole world has had similar experiences and everyone seems to be on happy pills.

I spoke to a woman for whom I have become her IUD friend and she asks me all questions IUD related. Yea me! Apparently she is using happy pills too. My former visiting teacher, whose children are all my age, is on a happy pill. My husband joked that being married to her hubby (he's not so nice) for 30+ years would require her to take them. I asked him if that was true, what does that say about him since we've only been married for 10.

One friend took pills to get through the bar exam. Someone else took happy pills to help when she quit smoking. Another SAHM has bad anxiety and has been on happy pills for 2 years now. Another friend took them when she was leaving her husband. (FYI, they made her lose a bunch of weight - why can't I have that side effect?!) Another friend takes them to avoid being crazy (like me).

So, I'm feeling less like a freak and now wondering, "Should I be on these?" Is it a statement of how much being a SAHM sucks your life blood out of your soul that so many of us are on happy pills? Is it a statement of the last days and turbulent times that we have to have help to get through the day? Has our DNA been so drastically altered over years of pollution and corruption that we can no longer produce the chemicals needed for a happy brain?

I. don't. know. I just know that I am currently up in the air. The pills have helped, no question, but the week before my period (Hello?! right now!) still turns me into a bluesy girl. The pills have also made me fatigued. All. the. time. Argh! It's hard to find motivation to do anything when all I want to do is sleep. Seriously though, I had been bumped up to 20mg and have moved myself back down to 10mg to try and combat the somnolence. Not working so well. So now the questions is, "Do I have to try a new happy pill?" Blech. This is worse than trying to find a birth control pill that works for you. Then, I just gave up the whole mess. No big deal. Sure, surprise, surprise, I got preggers, but we wanted a baby and 9 years later, it's not so bad. With happy pills though, if I give up the whole mess, will I go back to being crazy sad chic? Will I still be married in 9 months if I do? Somehow the situation seems a wee bit more convoluted than the birth control pills did. Perhaps I should just go back to looking for that violin playing goat.

This was meant to be funny. I think I missed the boat.