Masks and Friends

My friend Alexa wrote a post about unmasking oneself and what part of ourselves we present to those around us. Today at APC, (the playgroup I take Lulu to on Tuesdays and Thursdays) I was chatting with a couple of moms. We started discussing my recent purchases at The Castle (an adult store). I felt a little odd to be discussing such intimate details in a some what public setting. What was I saying before about just blurting things out without thinking? And what was I smoking? And where can I get some more? Think first. Always.

As I was driving home I started having detail-sharing remorse and wondering what had possessed me to share all that. I wouldn't really write all those details on my blog! But then I've been stunned by what I have written on my blog. I've posted my odd theories on life, my memories of my mother and other details, far more intimate to my being, my "ousia," than what my adult store purchases were. And while I have been selective in handing out my blog address, I haven't barred the general public from reading my blog either. What makes it so easy to share intimate thoughts and feelings with faceless strangers and so impossible to share those views of God or life with those whom we see every day? I commented to BiV that I certainly wouldn't be sharing any of my more radical views in Relief Society or over the pulpit in a talk or testimony meeting, but why not? Why am I so afraid of what those living near me will think? To be sure there are plenty of people in my world who are close minded enough that they would spurn me (there are those in my ward who still refuse to talk to one woman because she had a child out of wedlock, even though said child is 8.5 years old) and there are those who would even try to show me the error of my ways. But I think there would be more who would embrace me and love me just because I'm me and I have intrinsic value. There may even be some who would agree with me and be grateful for the open dialogue.

So what makes the difference? I get that fear is a huge portion in my sharing certain things with my church. (And yes, I know that "God hath not given us the spirit of fear..." or however that goes.) But what makes the difference between what I say with my friends at playgroup and what I say here? And how on earth do you bring up meaningful conversations with friends that don't involve your children, your day or sex? I have several friends with whom I would like more in-depth conversations regarding religion, feelings and other things, but I have no idea how to even get something started. Back to just blurting things out without thinking? Now if I could just find my smoking stash...maybe the violin-playing goat took it.