What Will I Be?

Do you ever wonder who you will be when you finally "arrive?" I was pondering this thought this morning initially with a plucky attitude. I'm great. I will be me only nicer and with less sarcasm. But then I got to rolling the idea around some more and I'm just not sure. How do I, my warts and all, fit into Heaven? I believe strongly in the idea that we come to earth with personality and we leave with that personality and that we won't all be cookie cutter Mollys roaming around the inside Pearly Gates but I have no idea how that all filters down into reality. And the longer I think of this, the more I can only see a Molly, a Stepford wife shell of myself. What part of me remains? I have difficulty separating personality quirks from weakness and sin.

God willing, when I'm perfected and no longer sin, no longer have weakness, I won't crave chocolate. I'm not debating chocolate's existence in the afterlife, merely stating that if it's there, I won't be addicted.

I won't be sarcastic. Hard to imagine, I know.

A sense of humor can still be there; I firmly believe God has one or at least I imagine He does, typically to keep myself from crying!

My neuroses will be gone.

My flakiness gone.

My interests - I suppose they would stay but could I read books about vampire romance in the hereafter? Will romance novels exist or will they read like the Deseret Book fare: boy meets girl, fall in love, some sort of spiritual angst that ends with both of them being members and having strong testimonies, marrying in the temple, having dozens of children and enduring (happily - oh so happily!) till the end. Yawn. I can't even read that stuff now. Maybe I will like it then. Maybe, like chocolate, I just won't care.

I suppose I could still do handicrafts. What about blogging? Would that exist? Would I be to busy creating and raising millions of spirit children? Too busy singing praises too God?

I know that God knows me. I believe in that with all my heart. I know that I am special to Him, in part, because of all my mind numbing thinking. I don't think that being perfected in Him will kill of the unique portions of me, but what, then, is left?

I don't want to say, however, that my sin or weaknesses define me, but to some extent, don't they make this life interesting? Every time I think of myself without them, I can't imagine anything other than Molly: perfect mother, housekeeping, worshipper, daughter and wife, no unkind words or thoughts, every act one of compassion and love, serene and peaceful, gliding on perfection. I just can't see anything other than Molly. Where does Maraiya go? And how does Maraiya differ from anyone else? Will I still have the soul reminiscent of a wind-swept moor or will we all be sunshine and daisies? I. don't. know.

Again, I started this post feeling confident; wanting to share that I am super fabulous and that there is a place in heaven even for someone will all my issues. Now, I'm back to that uncertainty and wondering, in all my striving to be better, to be more of what God, my Father, my Savior, would have me be, what am I trying to become?