I have been trying really hard to care and to reach out of my bubble but...I. don't. want. to. I'm in an odd state of being and I'm really trying to figure out my own head. I'm not sad or depressed. I'm not really angry. I'm empty and numb. But if I think about it too hard, I start to cry. And I have no reason why I'm crying. If my children don't walk on eggshells, they get snapped at. I can't figure out what the hell is going on. I feel like I'm floating outside myself watching some alien animate my body and I have no idea how to stop it.I tried to think of something that would be effecting my body - like my mother's death does in June and July - but I couldn't. I got married 11 years ago this month...does that count? Okay, lame joke. But Robert is going nuts. He keeps asking what's wrong and I have nothing to tell him. I'm not mad at him or annoyed by any circumstances, I'm just...wanting to live in my bubble and I get indignant when anyone breaches that bubble.
I bumped my happy meds up to 20mg (which is what I was taking in June to get through the month). Will see if that helps.
I don't know. I don't have much to say.
Maybe it's the presidential election and my indecisiveness.
Maybe it's the lack of comments on this blog (see how I worked that in so nicely).
Maybe it's just that time of the month and I just don't know it yet.
Maybe it's lack of sleep and that fact that my cat peed on my bed last night. Damn cat.
Whatever it is, I'm cruising through chocolate as if it were water, sleeping too much and suffering from insomnia, stopped working out and I'm hibernating. Somehow, though, there isn't a cocoon large enough.
I'm going to see my therapist on the 9th. Maybe that will help.
So, comment and pray. Prayers are always good.
Blech.
10 comments:
Sometimes, it just happens. There's no discernible reason for it, no event or situation that you can pin it on. In some ways, it makes dealing with the emptiness and depression so much harder to deal with, because you can't say, "Oh, I'll change that," or "Oh, I'll stop doing this," and because you can't point to anything you feel guilt on top of all of the...not feeling (at least I do).
But, this too shall pass. Some days that's the only thing that keeps me sort of going. Accept that it is, and that it will end sometime. Do what you can (I would suggest exercising, if it's something you normally do; mix up some fruit with that chocolate (raspberry truffles?)), and don't sweat what you can't. You can take control back, but it takes a while sometimes.
I swear I wasn't being snarky on my post a few days ago. I swear!
My prayers are with you.
And stay in your bubble for a while. You don't have to want to leave it all the time. I mean, staying in it for two or so years is a bad idea...
Amen sister! I feel the exact same way. on EVERYTHING that you wrote excluding the damn cat! Cats are lame :) I can't ever figure out what the hell is wrong with me either, only I try hard not to let others see it which in turn makes it worse cuz I'd like them to just fix it for me. I'll pray for you dearie! good luck!
so sorry! been there plenty of times. sometimes you just have to shake things up, find something new and fun to get obsessed about. like a hobby or a series of books? anything.
oh yeah, i hate when people try to give me advice when i'm bummed and ticked off at the world in general. it makes me livid....and i just did it to you! sorry!
Your photo is truly creeping me out!
Dear we beloved may we bow are heads and place a blessing of sleep on Mrs. Gentili that she may find peace and harmony.. as she sleeps she will have no bleeding and will be floating in billowing clouds of chocolate. she will also have no children, husband and no neighbor (ok maybe the neighbor) attacking her. please pray that she finds her marbles for she has left them somewhere, as she is looking for her marbles she will be active in her exercise for the day. When she finds a marble she will be pleasantly pleased with the fact that they are not marbles the a round chunks of dark chocolate waiting to be eaten there for she has her chocolate, sanity and exercise in one nights restful sleep.
Amen.
by your friendly neighborhood religious friend Lizzie
I love all of you - thank you so much for all of these comments. I just haven't really felt like posting or commenting for the last while so thank you, as well, for your patience.
Zillah - I knew you weren't being snarky. Truth be told, I thought it was hilarious and really, I did get a bit of a thrill from being named on your blog.
Maryann - You are wonderful. I know you struggle so much and I appreciate dearly your honesty and understanding.
Ktmay - welcome to my blog! your advice was fine. I love advice, as long as someone doesn't get annoyed if I don't take it - which is ironic because I often get annoyed when someone doesn't take mine. Oh well, if I were consistent, I wouldn't have mystery and then I wouldn't make a very good woman would I?
Mia - the photo was supposed to be creepy because that's how I was feeling. I do appreciate, however, that the photo was creepy enough to prevent some from commenting. ;)
Lizzie - my funny, funny BFF. Thanks for the sweet dreams! Love that I can exercise whilst getting chocolate. Maybe we should open up a chain of fitness gyms where people actually run laps after pieces of candy - sort of like the greyhounds running after rabbits.
Thank you all for prayers. I am doing a bit better. Now I'm just terribly sensitive and prone to weeping. I suppose it's a step up. ;)
I hear you sister! I had a weekend like this and wanted to either give everything I owned away or burn it all. For some reason I was overwhelmed by stuff and crying (I cried three times on Sunday). It sucks. Good for you for reaching for your supports.
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