Sunday Ponderings

First, I want to write about Gospel Doctrine. I love this class. I love it so much. I wish that we had a weekly, small group scripture study class. I would love the opportunity to bounce ideas of others and to enrich my study. I wonder if there is such a thing online. Hmmmm.... I also love our local class and our teacher. The Alaskan class was good but ours is fabulous.

One thing I like about our teacher is that he is very good at returning our study to our lives and to our day. We were reading Alma 30 and 31 today. He brought the two stories (Korihor and the Rameumpton) into our lives by discussing modern Anti-Christs as well as our own tendencies as LDS communities to sound like the apostate Zoramites. We preach that we are the true church ("And again we thank thee, O God, that we are a chosen and a holy people." Alma 31:18) and some condemn those of other faiths that they will not receive the same exaltation which we hope to obtain ("...thou hast elected us that we shall be saved, whilst all around us are elected to be cast by thy wrath down to hell; for the which holiness, O God, we thank thee...." Alma 31:17). While there is some truth there, it is certainly not our place to judge someone else's life or relationship with God.

I have been thinking about this a bit in regard to my own quandries about homosexuality, the church and marriage rights. I have blogged enough about this. My current thought is that I need to stop pondering, stop thinking quite so much, and try and move forward in action. Am I loving those around me? Am I trying to love those whom I find it hardest to love? Am I finding some way to serve those whom I would deem the unservable? In short, am I practicing what I am preaching? Or am I hiding behind gospel half truths and failing to adhere to the Spirit?

This same vein hit me forcefully at church today. I have been pondering my place in Heaven and who I will be when I have no more sin. I have been feeling some angst over this and wondering who to be. I have had two thoughts; the first is that I believe my mission in this life is to learn to love more fully and to learn to accept the pain that comes with that but love anyway. I took a test at blogthings.com (I know, that great oracle of wisdom and truth) and it told me that the purpose of my life was to show love to other people. This really resonated with me and I have had this confirmed in so many other ways. All my strong emotions, which make me cringe at myself at times, are part of this gift to love others. I haven't figured it all out but I think this is all interconnected.

The second is that while some women are born Molly types, homemakers in the truest sense, others are born warriors. I still feel a bit hesitant to put this label on myself (something else I need to work on - claiming my gifts! Jesus wasn't shy about saying He was the Son of God!) but I am a strong personality . I feel the need to do more than tend home fires. Now, no laughing, but as I read Breaking Dawn and Bella was preparing to fight and defend her child from the bad guys, I related to that. I feel myself as some sort of female warrior of faith. I'm not sure what that means in regards to my personality and what part of me is kept, but I like the idea that there is more than one kind of woman in the eternities and here is another kind, one that I can identify with more readily than my vision of Molly.

My challenge in all of this, I think, is to learn to like myself. It has occurred to me that I am constantly unsure of other's thoughts of me and that I am so concerned with their perceptions because my own perceptions find me wanting and I need the validations of others to make me feel that I am okay. I find myself annoying. I think I whine and cry far too much. I think that I need to get a spine, get over it and move on. I have so little compassion for myself and, quite frankly, I find that I can't win. I damn myself whether I do or whether I don't unless someone else has given me permission to just be. This needs to stop. I need to learn to like myself and to find my value. I have moments where I feel that, that instrinsic worth merely because I exist and because God loves me, but these moments fade so quickly. Perhaps I have not nourished this seed enough. Another miracle for this year? Perhaps but I think this is one that is intricately tied to miracle #30 and the need for me to be at peace with my emotions.