I Even Have Anxieties About Facebook

While I love blogging, I've been going online a bit and feeling at loose ends - nothing to blog and I'm not really wanting to read. Maybe I need a real hobby.... So, in a moment of weakness, I joined Facebook. My friend, Alexa, has encouraged me to join but I always put it off - really, how much time do I need to spend online? Can I just say that Facebook is absolutely overwhelming? I thought it was cool to see all these people from high school, college or just friends that I haven't seen in awhile. But I like to be invisible for awhile, to dip my toe in the water before jumping in. Facebook doesn't let you do that (not that I could see) and by the time church was over, I had all these invites from people who wanted to know how I was. It was flattering - maybe they really liked me! And also scary and kind of like the reunion - after I say hello and tell them the highlights of my life, what else are we going to say? Do I hand out my blog address? So. many. questions!

Part of this is exacerbated by my issue of never really believe that people like me; I'm always internally questioning my friends: Do they really care? Are they just being nice? What if I dropped off the face of the planet, would they notice? I love and totally understand Sally Field's acceptance speech of her first Oscar, "You like me! You really like me!" My problem is that I would need to win another Oscar soon, like, oh, the next week, in order to keep that feeling going.

There are a few relationships in which I feel utterly secure and have no doubts (generally), my marriage being one. (I do, however, still keep him up nights, every so often, with the whole, "Do you love me? Why? Would you marry me again? What do you like best about me besides my enormous breasts?" He just loves it! I can't stop because he would miss it! Ha!) But, for the most part, I am a horribly insecure person. So when I first saw this huge list of names of people I actually did know, I thought, "Oooh, hey! It's so and so! I must talk to them! Wait....what if they don't want to talk to me." And then I stopped. So getting all those invites has been nice, affirming in a way, maybe people really do like me. But at the same time I hesitate, "Why?" I want to ask. Don't you find me obnoxious? Don't all these neuroses kind of get to you after a while and you start to think, "Could she talk about something other than herself?" I guess part of me likes the mystique of every one thinking that just maybe I'm doing something amazing and have miraculously become the most fabulous person they know. Once they find out that I'm still plain, neorotic Maraiya, though, hmmm....will they be wishing they had not decided to "add a friend?"