Exhausted Angst Ridden Sabbath

I feel like I need a pensieve from the Harry Potter books. I want to stick a wand to my ear and pull out all of the thoughts that are multiplying like tribbles and be left with a happier, lighter brain. These last two sentences should serve as a warning; I have a feeling this will be a long (meaning Lizzie won't be reading it so I can say ANYTHING I want about her as long as I bury it in the text) and rambling post and may digress in tangent after tangent, but really, I need to lighten my brain load.

First, let me just say that I miss my husband. Terribly. My dad called last weekend and needed some help (my dad sells and services outboard engines and boats) working on an inboard, which is essentially an automotive engine built into a boat; my husband is an auto tech. So, Monday I booked the ticket and Rob flew up to Juneau that night. He was supposed to come home yesterday but Alaska being Alaska doesn't get next day air and the part he needed and ordered on Tuesday didn't arrive until Thursday afternoon, blah, blah, blah, didn't have it ready to make his flight on Saturday so now he's coming home on Wednesday. *sigh* I just miss him walking in the door. I miss his patience with the kids. I miss being held and the relief that comes from another human's touch.

Happily, Rob's sister called their dad and Grandpa took the kids all day Saturday and even made us french fries and hamburgers (his specialty) for dinner that night. What a gift! I so needed that. Not only because Robert is gone but the kids and I are going north less than one week after Rob gets home and we'll be gone for a month. Single parents - my heart so goes out to you! I keep telling Robert that in August I will be disappearing for a weekend. I'm thinking lots of rich chocolate and lying somewhere in the sun.

Church was hard today. The last few days here have been muggy and warm and overcast. The church building, we are the afternoon session, was 10 degrees warmer than outside (which was fairly cool with the breeze). I was so uncomfortably hot the whole time, I barely heard a word spoken. I felt the spirit and talked a bit with God but anything else was a wash. Then, Quinn got stuck. He was reading our Book of Mormon comic books and decided he would rather lie down on the floor, despite my urgings to join us on the pew. Well, he swung his feet up (man, I suck as a story teller) and he got stuck. The soles of his shoes are that non-skid stuff and the length from his knee to his sole perfectly matches the height of the pew. He was screaming and crying (probably not that loud but it felt loud to me) and would get more distraught whenever I touched his leg. I untied his shoe (I don't think that did a darn thing) and then ended up using the "man technique" - push hard. I gave his heel a sharp push and he was free! I scooped him up and loved on him telling Maryann, who was sitting in front of me, "Robert is never going to leave me again." But the whole time I kept thinking, "No, I'm going to leave him and jet off to Juneau for a whole month and I am willingly choosing to be a single mom for a month and what the hell was I thinking?!?!" But we survived Sacrament Meeting without further incident and then my children dashed off to their respective classes. Big. Sigh. of Relief.

Gospel Doctrine was better; I really enjoy our teacher, but I was frustrated by some of the content and didn't really know what to say. Today we studied Mosiah 29 - Alma 4 and discussed, a great deal, the government of Nephite judges versus our modern government (our teacher is a city manager) and all the parallels between then and now. My mind has been twirling in circular arguments ever since.

Our teacher specifically pointed out the new California law allowing homosexual marriage as an example of wicked people having a wicked government (not his words, but the gist). Okay, I can't hide the fact that the LDS church teaches that homosexuality is an abomination before the Lord and is specifically preached against. So, accepting that tenet, I still don't arrive at the same conclusions as everyone else. Am I defective? Do I just not see some part of the bigger whole? I just get so tired of all the lines in the sand, all the distinctions, all the "your wrong and I'm right," all of the pissing contests, all manner of "ites." Someone in class mentioned how it was interesting that so many conflicts came up in just their first year of the reign of the judges and a bit more freedoms than the previous monarchy.

I replied, "Isn't that the problem with freedom? That's the seductiveness of Satan's plan. We knew coming here that some would be lost and that we would sin and Satan tried to persuade us to follow his plan where we could all be saved. There is something inherently desirable about that plan. And now we're here and we're all trying to live our own lives as we understand them. This world is imperfect and we don't all believe the same but I cannot begin to intrude on someone else's liberties without risking my own. So how do we do it? How do we live our lives according to our standards, protecting our worlds and our children, and yet give the person next door the same opportunity?" I didn't hear any interesting responses. More of the same. But I get so sick of the party line.

Aren't we all God's children? Shouldn't we love each other as Jesus loves us? Shouldn't we have unconditional love for every other human being on the planet, simply because they exist? To which, I'm sure, someone would argue, "Yes we should but we only have to connect with them on certain levels if they choose not to follow God's laws." Okay, but how isolating should we be? Jesus went out among the people and sat down with the vilest (according to the Sanhedrin) sinners of the day. Who are the vilest sinners of the day? I think they are the people whom it is hardest for us to love - the gay man down the street, the homeless woman on the corner, the family of a different race down the block; whomever we see as a challenge, a person to whom our initial reaction is to run away. How do we love them? By being genuine friends. I find it very telling that the only people Jesus ever condemned were the Jewish rulers of the day and their self-righteous judgment of others; to the prostitute, the publicans and all manner of people He offered love, compassion and healing. What am I offering? Maybe right now I need to start being more compassionate to those I attend church with.... :)

I'm tired. I've been arguing both sides of this discussion in my head; I've been going back and forth and wondering if I'm drawing my own lines in the right place. Am I truly doing what Jesus would want me to do? If homosexuality is truly an abomination, what does that mean for me? Whenever I try to think of an answer, I try to think how I would react if one of my children came home and told me he/she was gay or wanted a sex change or any taboo subject. Wouldn't my first priority be to remain in some contact with that child and maintain a loving, supportive relationship?

But then I wonder about making righteous judgments. Am I doing that? Or am I just failing to judge at all? Am I really standing up for the gospel and what it means to be Christian?

But I always go back to that, "Love one another as I have loved you," and I just can't draw a line. And so, I support gay marriage. I would let my children play at their houses and have them over to dinner. I support the idea that drug addicts can reform and should be given second chances. I support the idea that Evangelicals and Mormons have more in common than not and should stop fighting. I support the idea that there is truth in every religion. I just want to know people. I want to be able to look at a homeless person and a PhD with the same eye. I just want to stop hating and separating and seeking ways to different from each other.

I'm tired. All of this is exhausting me. I can't help but think that this is more body memory stuff. I'm still on edge. My head whirrs like crazy - not that my voices are back but my own thoughts are getting more and more frantic. I left Relief Society today (I was too hot) and just walked outside in my bare feet, lifted my face to the sky, closed my eyes and received wind kisses from God. I'm sure I looked like a nut. Sometimes I just want to go home.