My mom used to say that having children was like having your heart walk around outside of your chest. I totally agree. Today that heart got up and put on roller skates for the first time.Quinn was invited to a birthday party at a local skating rink. This place is straight out of the '70's and I was slightly afraid for him to put on the skates - and I normally don't care about such things so that's saying a lot. Everything, even the benches at the picnic table in the birthday room, was carpeted. You stop and think about all the sweat all that carpet has absorbed and held onto over the years and eewwww...pretty sure it hasn't been cleaned lately. But it's a skating rink and, well, I think it's the only one around. So here we were not thinking about hygiene.
Quinn put on his skates (rather, I put them on him) and he did pretty well from the start (didn't fall down too much on the carpeted area) and he had a couple of friends whom I had met before. I thought everything was fine.
Then the birthday girl and a bunch more kids showed up. Quinn would say hello and some of these kids would basically ignore him. Remember Isabelle? Little miss pass out her phone number to random boys whom she's only known for the last three years, not even half her life? Yeah, she barely acknowledged him and that was after several, "Isabelle!"s. Grrr...my mama bear came out and I wanted to start swatting these upstarts. And my heart (no idea about Quinn's - it's hard to know sometimes what effects him and what doesn't) was feeling slightly bruised; how dare these kids not suck up to Quinn, being the fabulous kid that he is!!
Then Quinn gets brave and goes out into the rink. People are whizzing by and he's skating, falling and frantically clutching the side but he goes. I was so pleased, so amazed by this brave little wonder. Finally, enough people had shown up for the party, birthday girl's mother was in charge and I asked Quinn if I should go. He booted me to the curb. I was hoping he would because I was having such a hard time. I couldn't watch my little bird try to fly. Kid you not, I was tearing up as I left. "Will they be nice to him? Will he have a fun time? What if all the kids ignore him? What if he keeps falling down and really hurts himself? What if he gets frustrated that he can't skate and throws a fit?" (Quinn's tendency when frustrated over learning something new.) My biggest concern though was those kids and if they would exclude him or hurt his feelings. I just wanted him to be so happy and have the best party and I just wasn't sure and he was making me leave and ooooh, I just wanted to cry.
I napped in the parking lot in my van.
I felt a bit better.
Although I have decided that when my children go to college or any such post HS adventure, they need to be far, far away from me. I can't take the anxiety and roller coaster emotions of watching them move to the next phase. I just want so much for everything to be golden for him. I struggle to see the moments when everything is less than I wish. I know that he will have heartbreaks, but I have a hard time watching them and I can't imagine that that will ever get any easier.
And I have to admit, there's something about Quinn. He's the middle of three (as was I). He and I have sparked off each other since he was 10 months old. No. I'm not kidding. And he seems to struggle. A lot. In so many areas of his life. He seems to be one of those "learn the hard way" kind of kids. There's also the fact that I felt, when preggo with him, that this child was more delicate, like something bad was going to happen. I didn't feel that with the other two. So while I know he's better off than so many children (no heart surgeries or chemo or any of that) my heart still aches.
*sigh*
I think I'm just going back to bed.
7 comments:
Well? You didn't say in your post whether or not he had a good time at the party. I feel the same way as you when kids aren't nice to Lena, I just want to throtle them and make THEM cry and send them home saying they can't play with her anymore. Thankfully Lena has a big mouth and doesn't seem to have a problem telling them that if they aren't nice then she will leave, then everything seems to work out. I wish sometimes I didn't have that Mama Bear in me, but what kind of parent would I be if I didn't. We always want our children to be liked by everyone, but that isn't going to happen, life isn't like that. I just tell Lena that if someone doesn't like her then that's their loss, because she is a wonderful, big-hearted person.
It doesn't get any easier as they get older.
My oldest will be starting Jr. High in the fall, and I'm having many of the same feelings as you.
I remember dropping him off at school his first day of first grade, and watching him walk into the building. alone. I felt like I was throwing him to the wolves. I can't even imagine how I'll feel when I take him to his first day of Jr High. At least now (at 5'8") he's big enough to take care of himself.
Laura - that part was rather anti-climatic. I wonder if I would have been happier if he came out crying, I would have consoled him and cried with him and we'd have gone out for ice cream and said, "Who needs them anyway?"
No, he came out to the van, eating all of his candy in his party favor bag (it was all just candy) and happy. He had a *great* time skating and was so happy. He said he was even able to skate around the rink without grabbing on to the sides. He seemed completely oblivious to the kids.
Me, I think I'm going to email his school teacher and see if this is a problem at school. Not sure how that is going to help at all, but Mama Bear requires it.
I can't imagine that he would have this problem at school. He's such a nice kid. I hope this was just an isolated incident and everything else is ok. Let me know what she says.
Hey, Quinn's class is swimming right now and all I could think about was "I wonder which one is Isabelle?" Maybe she needs to have a date with the deepend!!! It was great to see Quinn with his class being so excited about swimming.
Solidarity Sister!! Thanks for backing me up!
I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. I put myself in those situations where I expect certain things to happen...and then a loud crash. That feeling of hope and security and success for Quinn is great. I praise your ability to just let him "kick you to the curb." You are great and you are just being a wonderful mom.
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